-disturbing poetry-

Sally
Dear Sally,
I never meant to hurt you, but
Tears still flowed into your eyes
All I ever said
Was that I wanted to die
And you cried...

Happiness
Happiness evades me
I'm simply chasing the stars
No matter how fast I run
No matter how far
Those stars always slip away from me
Somehow...

Goodbye
My dear, I love you
But I only make you cry
All of this pain, does it fade
When I die?
I only wish for you, there was
Some better way
To say,
Goodbye...

Untitled Poem #18
Believe me
It heals me
Everything is true
If not to you
It heals me
To see you bleed
And what I need
Is to bleed
Too...

Untitled Poem #19
At last  my fate is set in stone
As the blood falls and I am alone
Far beyond the reach of any light
Tonight...

Blood
Blood is like a rose in bloom
Such beauty as
I've never seen before
Spilling from my body
Pooling on the floor
Splattering upon the pages
Like stars splattering the night
At last in this dreadful world
An end to it lays in sight...

The Monster
She follows me
Each day and night
Her words haunt me
Her cruelty and lies
I thought I knew her once, but
There's a stranger in her eyes
I knew that her soul had been cut
Away, last time she said goodbye
And said to me, I know you're alone.

Untitled Poem #20
When you fell, some part of me, too, died
Standing out in the rain, waiting for you,
I cried.
You'll never return.

I Didn't Mean To Kill You
I didn't mean to end you
I'm sorry I made you bleed
I'm sorry I hurt you so
I'm sorry this has to be
I didn't mean to kill you
I'm the one who should have died
But I had to go on, you looked so beautiful
When you cried...

Today
        was the same as
                                    yesterday.
        And the day before
                                    that.
        And the day before
                                    that.

The fortune teller said
        I have a long life
                                 ahead of me.
        I may even live
        to be
                                 117 years old.

So…what is that
supposed to mean
                                 to me?
Am I supposed to be
                                 happy
That I may even have
104 years left
                                ahead of
                                me?

That
would be
          37986 days.
          911,664 hours
          54,699,840 minutes.
          3,281,990,400 seconds.

And yet as I watch
This clock on
                                the wall
It's not moving
                                at all
It's just frozen
                                in time.
If it doesn't move
                                soon,
I'm quite ready
                                to
Go out of
                                my mind.

If every single
                           second
Lasts as long
as this one does,
I'll die inside
And face an           eternity
Of sleepwalking
                           soullessly
Before I
                           reach
                           the end,
Before I finally
                           die

Heartbeats
They say
       our hearts
                beat around
                       2 billion times
                              in our lifetime.
I wonder
         how many
                has mine
                         beaten
                                 so far?
It's kind of
         scary, when
                 you think
                        about it.
Every time
          it beats,
                 you're
                 one beat
                 closer
                             to
                                  death

How do
       you know
                you'll live
                       to feel it
                       beat
                                 again?


You
        don't.
You
        can't.
You
        won't.
You
        can
                never
                          tell.

And that's
                what
                scares
                me.

I have
          no way
          of knowing
                           when
                           or if
                                     it's going to
                                     begin
                                                        or
                                                        end.


Torture (saved the most disturbing for last...)  
I will torture you.
I will make you bleed.
I will cut you until you cry
And watch as your tears
Mix with your blood
Same as you have always
Done to me.

I will cut you.
One cut
For every cruel word
You have ever spoken to me.
One cut
For every time
You have cut me.
One cut
For every drop of blood
I have shed.
One cut
For every tear
You have made me cry.

I will rip your existance
Apart at the seams.
I will tear you apart
I will make you feel
All you forced upon me.
I will shatter your mind
I will smash your soul
I will crush your heart in my hand
I will make you pay at last.
I will tear your body to bits.

Let's see, what shall I do to you?
Small, shallow cuts all over your body
Piercing your skin with white-hot knives
Rip open your chest, squeeze your heart.
Break your trembling limbs
Rip you apart
Drive you insane
With all the pain
You will feel,
Just as you did to me.

But while you'll beg me to kill you
I won't be the merciful one
To let you die.
I want you to live.
I want you to bleed.
I want to see you cry.
I want you to feel all the pain
You made me feel
That drove me insane
With wounds never to heal.
It's because of you I fell.
You drove me over the edge.
You made my very existance hell.
You made me wish I was dead.
So blame this not on me,
But on yourself.
It was you
That chanced the meeting
Of brush and paper
Creating the face
You see
The face twisted by anger
As it shatters your body and soul
The face mad with hate
The eyes iron-hard and cold.
You tortured me
With your cruel games
Each and every day.
I will never be the same
My soul was ripped away
And for all you've done to me
I'll make you pay...

I'll torture you
As you tortured me.


I was extremely disturbed back then. As well you can see.